Oh No

Charlotte:  *pointing to the tip of her big toe*  What ih dat?

Me:  Um ... your toe?

Charlotte:  No.  *pointing to the same spot*  What ih DAT?

Me:  Oh, that ... that's skin.

Charlotte:  *quietly*  Oh no.

(December 30, 2013)

Mommy's Right

Butch:  *muttering about how we're way early for our appointment but not so early that we have time to do anything else*

Me:  *grinning and thinking of Andy's custard*  Hmmm. I know what we could do. In fact, I think it's a sign. 

Butch:  You're pathetic. I don't wanna hear about --

Molly:  *without a clue what we're talking about* Mommy's right!

(December 23, 2013)

But I Do

Butch:  Can I get you to eat just french fries, Charlotte?

Charlotte:  I want burger!

Butch:  *sighing*  I don't want anyone to get messy. 

Charlotte:  But I do, Daddy. 

(December 23, 2012)

Thank You

Me:  *brushing Charlotte's hair after her shower*

Charlotte:  Ow!  Dat huwts.

Me:  I'm sorry, baby.  I'm being as gentle as I can.

Charlotte:  Tank you, Mommy.

(December 23, 2012)

No One

Molly and Charlotte:  *playing a game of pretend, in which Molly has assigned the role of Bowser to Grandma B, the role of Mario to Charlotte, and the role of Princess Peach to herself*

Grandma B:  *holding Molly "captive" on the couch*

Molly:  *wailing incessantly* Help me, Mario!  Help!  Oh no!  Mario!  MARIO!!!!

Charlotte:  *climbing into my desk chair, facing away from Molly and Grandma B* No one wants to save you.

(December 21, 2013)

Maybe I Will

Charlotte:  I wan' buhguh.

Me:  You should just fry up a pan of hamburger crumbles, and she'll eat that all weekend. 

Butch:  Maybe I will. 

Charlotte:  *in the sassiest voice ever* Maybe _I_ wiw! 

(December 6, 2013)

Donations

Molly:  I'm a puppy. 

Butch:  Ok. 

Molly:  I'm the white one with the black spots. You know, like on 101 Donations.

(December 5, 2013)

Big, Jiggly Belly

Molly:  *watching me get dressed*  Mommy, why do you have that big, jiggly belly?

Me:  Well, because I had two big babies in there. 

Molly:  And because you eat a lot of food?

Me:  Right. There's that, too. 

(November 30, 2013)

That Bother You?

Charlotte:  *tapping a fairy wand on my knee*  Dat bodeh you?  Dat bodeh you?  Dat bodeh you?

(November 30, 2013)

What Squirrels Say

Molly:  *correcting Charlotte's version of "The Fox" by Ylvis*  And it's not "cha cha cha."  It's not "cha cha cha."  That's what a squirrel says.  Not a fox.  That's what squirrels say.

(November 30, 2013)

Nippled

Molly:  *describing how her aunt's dog gave her a little playful nip*  Lucy just nippled me!

(November 28, 2013)

Story

Me:  *trying to get Charlotte to be still while I brushed her hair*  Here, tell the baby doll a story. 

Charlotte:  *takes the baby and sings*  Stowy stowy, I fawted. 

Me:  That's your whole story?

Charlotte:  Uh-huh.  *tosses baby doll*

(November 27, 2013)

Jingle Bells

Me:  Are you singing "Jingle Bells" in music class?

Molly:  Yeah.

Me:  Can you sing it for me now?

Molly:  *singing, loudly and proudly*  Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way!  Oh what fum it is to ride in a ONE. HORSE. SOME. THIN'. SLEIGH!

(November 27, 2013)

Your Turn

Charlotte:  *abandoning the toys she had been putting away*

Me:  Come on, Charlotte. Keep picking up. 

Charlotte:  No. It you tuwn. 

(November 25, 2013)

Poop Jokes

Molly:  I can make jokes!

Me:  Oh yeah?

Molly:  *singing* We love peanut butter -- and bus poop!

Me:  No. We don't need to make poop jokes. 

Molly:  I love poop jokes!

(November 15, 2015)

My Brain

Molly:  *playing "teacher," telling one of her imaginary students that he shouldn't have brought a knife to school in his pocket*

Me:  Um, Molly?

Molly:  What?

Me:  Did someone bring a knife to school?

Molly:  No, I'm just playing.  I'm being the teacher, and I'm just talking to one of my students over here.

Me:  Ok.  Right, I get that.  But where did you get that idea about a kid bringing a knife to school?

Molly:  From my brain.

Butch:  *laughing*  You just got owned!

(November 8, 2013)

He Said _____

Molly and Me:  *waiting in the car for Butch, listening to music on my phone*

Macklemore:  "When I was in the third grade, I thought that I was gay ..."

Molly:  Hey!  He said "third grade"!

Me:  *smiling*  He sure did, baby. 

(November 4, 2013)

Honesty

Charlotte:  *attempting to do something that had just ended badly and resulted in a mess when she tried it five minutes ago*

Me:  What--no!  Didn't you learn your lesson last time?!

Charlotte:  No.

(November 1, 2013)

Not Little

Butch:  *making noises ... because that's what he does*

Molly:  That was some good beatboxin', Daddy!  *has conversation about beatboxing with me and Butch, in which she demonstrates her own beatbox skills*

Charlotte:  *attempts to copy Molly's beatboxing*

Molly:  Charlotte's too little to beatbox. 

Charlotte:  No!  I small!

Molly:  *ignoring her sister, continuing to us*  She's just too little. 

Charlotte:  *increasingly upset with Molly*  I small!

Molly:  *oblivious to the offense her sister has taken at being called "little" and seeming to think she's yelling at her over the critique of her beatbox skills* Charlotte, you're just too little to beatbox.

Charlotte:  *shouting at Molly with daggers in her eyes*  I SMALL!  I SMAAALLLL!!!

(October 31, 2013)

Queen-O and Compost

Molly:  *watching as Butch scrolls through a thread on a forum he frequents, spots a still from the Bud Light commercial about quinoa.*  Hey!  That's the queen-o commercial!

Butch:  That is indeed the queen-o commercial.  That's pretty awesome that you recognized that from just the guy in the Eagles jersey.

Molly:  *continuing to watch her dad's progress through the thread, spots a photo of some sea scallops*  What's that?

Butch:  Those are scallops.

Molly:  Oh.  You can use those for compost.

(October 28, 2013)

Knock Knock

Molly:  Knock knock. Who's there?  Orange. Orange who? *in the most demonic voice possible* No, banana -- Orange is angry!!

(October 26, 2013)

This Kind

Charlotte:  *ridiculously insane sleep-fighting behavior*

Me:  What kind of crack are you smokin'?

Charlotte:  *holds out her (empty) hand*  Dis kine.

(October 20, 2013)

I Like Ice

Charlotte:  *watching me take a drink from my cup*  What dat, Mommy?

Me:  It's tea.

Charlotte:  Tea?

Me:  Mmm-hmmm.

Charlotte:  I yike ... *pausing in the middle of her usual statement that she "likes" whatever it is I'm eating or drinking, even if she's never had it* ... I yike ice.

(October 14, 2013)

Itchin' Me

Charlotte:  *sitting in my lap, rubbing her hand over my in-need-of-a-shave legs* Youw body itchin' me.

(October 12, 2013)

Where'd the Cookie Go?

Charlotte:  *incomprehensible whining*

Me:  What do you want?  Use your words. 

Charlotte:  Want cookie. 

Me:  You already had a cookie. 

Charlotte:  *looks around* Where cookie go?

Me:  You ate it. 

Charlotte:  *instant tears*

(October 9, 2013)

At the End

Charlotte: What dat?

Me: Soup. 

Charlotte: Syoup?

Me: Mm-hmm. 

Molly: Hey! That starts with "p"!

Me: What does?

Molly: Soup! It starts with a "p" at the end!

(October 6, 2013)

What Are You?

Me:  *comes out of the bathroom with my hair in two braids and a piece of fabric tied around my head, all for "Hippie Day" at school*

Charlotte:  *staring up at me* What awe you?

(September 25, 2013)

Butch Peanuts

Me:  *after talking with Charlotte about the full name of each family member* What's your name?

Charlotte:  Daddy name Butch Peanuts!

(September 21, 2013)

Just Miss You So Much

Molly: *at bedtime* Mommy?

Me:  *ready for the night's 500th stall tactic* Yeah, baby?

Molly:  When you drop me off in the mornin' and I walk into school, I just watch you drive and I just miss you so much. 

Me:  *melt*

(September 19, 2013)

Offer and Ill-strator

Molly:  *"reading" the cover of a book*  Doc McStuffins.  Bubble Trouble.  *pausing*  And who's the offer of this book?

Me:  I don't know.  Bring it here so I can see who the author is.

Molly:  *brings the book over*

Me:  Looks like it's by Kurt Redeker.

Molly:  And who's the ill-strator?

Me:  *speechless for a moment*  Well, um ... let's see ... *checking the cover again*  Illustrated by Alan Batson.

(September 17, 2013)

Need It

Me:  Charlotte, get off the toybox.

Charlotte:  But I need it!

(September 15, 2013)

Zip It Up

Charlotte:  See yuw coffee.

Me:  *holds my coffee down where she can look into the cup*

Charlotte:  Choc-yet coffee.

Me:  No, it's not chocolate coffee.

Charlotte:  Yes it ih.

Me:  No, it's not.

Charlotte:  Yes it ih.

Me:  No, it's not.

Charlotte:  Zip ih up.

Me:  *laughing*  Did you just tell me to "zip it up"?

Charlotte:  *grinning*  Uh-huh.  Zip ih up!

(September 13, 2013)

Delicious

Charlotte: *pretending to take a bite out of her arm* Mmmmm, dee-yishus!

(September 7, 2013)

Attitude

Molly:  *trying to negotiate her way out of a nap after lying down for a bit*  But I don't need a nap. I think I have enough energy now. 

Me:  This isn't about energy. It's about your attitude. 

Molly:  Well, my attitude's gone now. 

(August 31, 2013)

Time

Molly: *discussing her day on the drive home after school* I need to get my folder out and show you! *begins unzipping her backpack*

Me: Oh, honey, leave it in your backpack for now. We can get it out and look at it at home. 

Molly: I don't have time for that. 

(August 15, 2013)

Made of

Molly:  *showing me a little toy horse she got for good behavior*  It's so cute!  It's made of rubber and purple!

(August 13, 2013)

More

Thunder:  KA-BOOM!

Molly:  *looks at me with pure terror all over her face*

Charlotte:  *sits up with a huge grin*  More!

(August 12, 2013)

Compressed

Molly:  *pretending to be the teacher, talking to her imaginary students*  Oh, Camden, very good.  I am so compressed!  Go get a piece of candy.

(August 12, 2013)

Intense

Molly:  *lots of shouting and excitement as she explains one of her friend Matilda's new toys to Matilda's daddy Jason*

Jason:  Wow. Molly, you are an intense experience. 

Molly:  I know. 

(August 10, 2013)

Can I Just Sleep?

Me: *after picking Molly up from her first day of Kindergarten and talking to her a bit* You seem pretty tired. 

Molly:  Yeah. There was no nap today. 

Me:  Yeah, there aren't any naps in kindergarten. 

Molly:  When we get home, I think I just want to sleep in the chair. In the big chair in the living room that rocks back and forth. 

Me:  Well, we were supposed to go shopping for Matilda's birthday present, remember?

Molly:  Oh yeah. Well, can I just sleep in the shopping cart?

(August 9, 2013)

Princess

Talking Princess Celestia Toy:  I'm a princess. Are you a princess?

Charlotte:  Uh-huh.

(August 8, 2013)

It's Big!

Molly:  *lots of incomprehensible, random, loud insanity*

Me:  *pulling her into a hug with a chuckle*  What in the world is going on in your crazy little brain, child?

Molly:  *with a huff*  It's NOT little.  It's big!  Dinosaurs have little brains.

(August 3, 2013)

She Doesn't Know Better

Molly:  *talking to the stylist, Jerry, while getting her hair cut*  Pink is my favorite color. 

Jerry:  That's cool. Pink is a pretty color. I really like purple. 

Molly:  Yeah, that's Charlotte's favorite color. She doesn't know any better. 

(July 31, 2013)

You're Not Very Good at This

Me:  *after a show on Netflix kept messing up at a certain point*  I don't know what's wrong with it.  It's just jacked up.

Molly:  Well ... maybe Daddy will have to fix it when he gets home.  *pause*  I wish Daddy were here working the controller ... 'cause you're not very good at this.  You're just not very good at this.

(July 29, 2013)

So Sad

Molly:  *whining*  Oh, it's hard to wait.  *sighs*

Me:  I know, but we have to wait sometimes.

Molly:  But I want a brownie now.

Me:  I know, but we can't have one right now.  You can have a brownie after dinner.

Molly:  But that's so long.  I want one now.

Me:  But you have to wait.  Or if you keep whining about it, you won't get one at all.  I'll just eat them all up.

Molly:  *gasp* But don't do that!  That will be so sad.

(July 22, 2013)

Airplanes

Molly: I don't want to ride in an airplane. 

Me: Why not? It's really fun.

Molly: Because I might fall out the window. 

Me: *suppressing laughter* Oh, it's ok, baby. The windows don't open, so you can't fall out of them. 

Molly: *considers this new information* Okay then. I guess I'll ride in an airplane. 

(July 15, 2013)

Talk Daddy

Molly: *on the phone when we called from Kansas City after our flight home from Vegas* Here's Charlotte. 

Charlotte: Hi!

Me: Hi, baby!

Charlotte: Talk Daddy. 

(July 15, 2013)

Glitter

Molly:  ... and they're trying to keep the Earf clean. 

Butch:  Earf?

Molly:  Uh-huh. Because animals leave glitter everywhere. And we have to clean it up. 

(July 4, 2013)

Chocolate Please

Charlotte:  *bringing me a tiny Barbie plate*  Chot-wut peese!

(July 4, 2013)

Favorite Color

Molly:  *licking a beater covered in chocolate pudding*  Mmmmm.  Chocolate is my favorite color.

(July 3, 2013)

Charlotte Took It

Me:  *to Charlotte*  Where's your juice cup?

Charlotte:  *her answer for everything missing*  Mo-wee toot it!  (Molly took it!)

Me:  Um, no.  Molly did not take it.

Charlotte:  *pausing to think*  Shot toot it!  (Charlotte took it.)

(July 3, 2013)

Good Babysitter

Molly:  *pointing to The Nightmare Before Christmas on Netflix*  Hey!  Me and Bethie watched that!  She was being a good babysitter.  *pause*  And we were being good kids.

(July 2, 2013)

Crabby and Whiny

Molly:  Can we please not have bed time yet?

Me:  Nope, it's bed time.  You are crabby and whiny and need sleep.

Molly:  *walking into the other room*  C'mon, Charlotte!  It's bed time.  I'm crabby and whiny.

(June 25, 2013)

Shake Booty

Me:  *pouring a cup of juice for Charlotte at 2:45 a.m.*  Can we please go back to bed with the juice?

Charlotte:  *dancing in the middle of the kitchen*  Shake booty!  Shake booty!

Me:  I'll take that as a "no."

(June 26, 2013)

Not in Her Belly

Charlotte:  *bringing me her empty dinner plate*  Mo!  Mo!  (More!  More!)

Me:  Did you eat all of that?

Charlotte:  *nods her head*  Mo!  Mo!

Me:  Where is all your food?  *because she has a habit of hiding her food and leaving it places*

Charlotte:  *points to her mouth*  Mo!  Mo!

Me:  Is it in your belly?

Charlotte:  *pulls out the neck of her shirt and looks down it at her tummy*  No.

(June 25, 2013)

Drew a Heart for You

Me:  *peeking at what she's doing on my iPhone*  Oh, are you drawing shapes in that game?

Molly:  Uh-huh.  And pictures.  And see?  I drew a heart for you.  Because I love you.

Me:  *melting*

(June 24, 2013)

Smashed Right Inta

Molly:  *after a bird flew into the window* Oh. My. Gosh!  Did you see that?  That bird just smashed right inta our house!  He just smashed right inta it.  I have to tell Daddy about that when he gets home.  Oh my gosh.  That was not cool.  That was NOT awesome.  He just smashed right inta.

(June 23, 2013)

Molly Took It

Charlotte:  *pointing to her diaper*  Elmo.

Me:  Yup, that's Elmo.

Charlotte:  My Elmo?

Me:  I don't know where your Elmo is.  *It has been weeks since anyone played with Elmo.*

Charlotte:  Mowee toot it!  (Molly took it!)

(June 22, 2013)

Mongoose

Molly:  What do you have?

Me:  Tea.

Molly:  Ew.  I don't like tea.

Me:  You've never had tea.

Molly:  Well ... that's a mongoose!

(June 14, 2013)

Inside Voice

Molly:  *all sorts of loud jabber*

Me:  Shhh.  Do you even have an inside voice?

Molly:  Hmmmm ... nope!  I just have a yell. 

(June 10, 2013)

Hide an' Seek

Charlotte:  *runs in and stands behind my chair*

Me:  What ya doin'?

Charlotte:  Hide an' seek.

Me:  Oh, gotcha.  Hide and seek.

Charlotte:  Hide an' seek.  1, 2, boo!

(June 6, 2013)

Count

Molly:  *attempting to play Hide and Seek with her sister*  Now count, Charlotte!

Charlotte:  1, 2, 1, 2, count!

(June 1, 2013)

Touched and Feeled

Molly:  *after Charlotte's diaper leaked on the couch*  I touched it, and I feeled it, and it was pee!

(May 27, 2013)

Silly-O

Molly:  *regarding her dad, who'd just walked through the room*  He's silly-o. 

Me:  He's what?

Molly:  *very matter-of-factly*  He's silly-o.  That's what I call him when he's silly. 

(May 24, 2013)

Hi, Baby

Molly:  *to Butch, as he returns from grocery shopping* Daddy!!!!

Butch:  *to Molly* Hi, baby. 

Charlotte:  *to Butch* Hi, baby!

(May 23, 2013)

Accidents Happen

Butch:  Aw, crap. Your prescriptions. 

Me:  Oops. I forgot to even send them in. I suck. 

Molly:  That's ok, Mommy. Accidents happen. 

(May 16, 2013)

Hold It

Molly: Daddy, I was gonna fart, but then I just hold it.

(May 12, 2013)

Map

Dora (on TV): Let's stop and think. Who do we ask for help when we don't know which--

Charlotte: MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!!!!!!

(May 5, 2013)

On My Belly

Molly: We watched _The Lorax_ today

Me: That's awesome. Did you sit down and pay attention for the whole thing?

Molly: Well, I laid on my belly.

(May 3, 2013)

Almost Said

Podcast playing clip from trailer for _The Heat_: . . . mother-BLEEP-er!

Molly: Mommy, that boy almost said "motherfuck."

(April 29, 2013)

Rescue Dog

Molly: *after I put on my white-with-black-polka-dots shirt* Ooh, Mommy, I like your new shirt.

Me: Aw, thank you sweetheart.

Molly: You look like a rescue dog!

(April 16, 2013)

(I realized fairly quickly that she was referring to a dalmation's spots and not insulting me.)

Thermometer

Me: *commenting to Butch about the quick change from cool to warm weather* I just don't understand how we went from THAT to THIS so fast.

Molly: *very matter-of-factly* It's the thermometer.

(April 8, 2013)

Farmer

Butch: *after searching the house for Molly's princess "slippers"* Well, I can only find one.

Molly: But I want to be a princess.

Butch: I'm sorry. I can only find this one.

Molly: Okay. I guess I'll be a farmer.

(April 6, 2013)

It Begins

Molly:  *holding her toy phone*  I'm gonna text someone.

(March 31, 2013)

That Was Charlotte

Molly:  *running in with a pajama top in her hand* Me and Charlotte are playin' "Clothes Fight!"

Me and Butch:  *various exclamations of disapproval and exasperation* What?!  No.  We don't play with clean clothes!

Molly:  Well ... that was Charlotte.

(March 31, 2013)

Makin' Patience

Molly:  Oh, but I been waitin' all day.  I been makin' patience all day.

(March 24, 2013)

Later

Molly: Look at these tattoos! *holding up some temporary tattoos she got for her birthday*

Me: Uh-huh. We'll do tattoos later, ok?

Molly: *with a giant sigh* Later's hard work.

(March 24, 2013)

But You're Awesome

Me: *moving from the driver's seat to the passenger's seat*

Molly: What are you doing?

Me: Moving to the other seat so Daddy can drive.

Molly: But why?

Me: Well, Mommy doesn't like to drive with Daddy.

Molly: But you're awesome when you drive!

(March 19, 2013)

I Think That's a No

Butch: No, you can't have my phone while you're eating pasta with sauce!

Charlotte: *clutches his phone to her chest*

Butch: Well at least get out of my seat?

Charlotte: *shakes her head* Uh-uh.

Molly: I think that's a no.

(March 8, 2013)

Just Kiddin'

Butch: How was school today?

Molly: Well, I just got four check marks.

Butch: Why did you get four check marks?!

Molly: Naw, I'm just kiddin'. I just got one check mark.

(March 7, 2013)

Too Big

Molly:  *being sassy, shorty after having been told we'd take away her new "big-girl" booster seat if she didn't sit in it correctly* Well ... I'm gonna take away your big-boy chair!  I'm gonna take your chair, and then you will not drive!  I'm gonna take away your chair because you are getting to big for it!

Butch:  *sotto voce, to me*  Did she just call me fat?

(March 6, 2013)

Can't Make It. Too Busy.

Butch: Come on, Molly. We need to go pack your lunch.

Molly: *playing with toys* I can't make it. I'm too busy.

(March 6, 2013)

That's What We Do

Butch: *surveying the area surrounding our restaurant table* Wow, you guys made a mess.

Molly: Yup, we did. I like making messes. *pauses, then grins* That's what we do. Make messes.

(February 22, 2013)

Oasis Smells Like Poop

Entire family: *in the car, to the beginning of the next song on my Pandora station, which turns out to be "Wonderwall" by Oasis*

Butch and Me: *simultaneously* Ugh!!!

Me: Thumbs down! Thumbs down!

Molly: Ew, that song was yucky!

Me: It sure was, Molly.

Molly: Yeah! It almost smelled like poop!

(February 20, 2013)

I Know, but Now

Molly: *general sassy, bossy behavior*
Butch: Oh, Molly, you were sweet last night.
Molly: I know, but now I'm hungry.

(February 15, 2013)

Muscle

Molly: *putting together a puzzle, struggling to push in a piece* Can someone come help me please?! I can't get it. My hands are not muscle yet.

(January 25, 2013)

Scratch

Molly:  *discovering the hole ripped in the seam along the crotch of her sweat pants* Hey!  I can stick my fingers in here to scratch my booty!

(January 19, 2013)

It Doesn't Talk

Grandma B:  What have you been doing at preschool?
Molly:  We been doing our calendar.
Grandma B:  Oh, what does your calendar tell you?
Molly:  It doesn't tell us anything.
Grandma B:  Well, ok, what does it say?
Molly:  It doesn't say anything.  It doesn't talk.

(January 13, 2013)

And Bad

Molly:  *storming into another room* I just do not like you because you are bad and bad and bad and bad and angry.  And I am angry because you are bad.

(January 1, 2013)

Old

Molly:  And then I will have 10,000 birthdays!
Me:  10, 000 birthdays, huh?  You're gonna be OLD.
Molly:  Yeah!  I will be old like my daddy!

(January 5, 2013)

It Will Be Too Dark

Butch: Now just close your eyes, and --

Molly: But I don't want to close my eyes because then it will be too dark in my eyes!

(January 1, 2013)