You People Down There

Butch, Erica, Mom, and Me:  *watching Steelers vs. Ravens football*

Molly and Charlotte:  *playing upstairs*

Butch and Me:  *explode in cheers as the Steelers get a touchdown*

Molly:  What's wrong with you people down there?

(December 25, 2016)

Self-Awareness

Molly: *taking a t-shirt out of a box of clothes she just unwrapped, tossing it aside after barely a glance*

Me:  That one says, "The sass is strong with this one."

Molly:  Yes, it is.

(December 25, 2016)

A Long Time

Me: Can you use your big-girl voice when you talk to Santa? Not your tiny voice, so he can actually hear you?

Charlotte: But I'm kind of scared, too.

Me: Why are you scared? It's Santa!

Charlotte: Yeah, but it's been a long time.

(December 23, 2016)

Empty Stomach

Molly:  Are we going to Mexican, or are we going to see Santa?

Me:  Yes.

Molly:  But which one are we doing first? I hope it's Mexican because I'm very hungry, and I do NOT want to have an empty stomach when I talk to Santa.

(December 23, 2016)

Shhhhhhh

Me:  *sitting in the rocker in Molly's room, grading papers while waiting for the girls (who have recently taken to sharing a bed by choice) to fall asleep*

Charlotte:  *climbs out of the bed and tiptoes over to me. places her index finger in front of her mouth.*  Shhhhh.  Molly's asleep.

Me:  *WTH look, speechless.*

Charlotte:  I helped her fall asleep.

Me:  YOU should be asle--

Charlotte:  Shhhhhhh.

(December 4, 2016)

Probably

Molly:  This why probably why I'm older. Because I was born in 2008, and she was born in 2011.

(November 24, 2016)

The Club

Charlotte:  *dancing*

Aunt Erica:  Look at your moves!  Do you break it off at the club?

Charlotte:  *stops dancing" What club?

(November 24, 2016)

Respect

Me: *getting up from the couch and walking to the kitchen *

Charlotte: *following me*

Me: What are you doing?

Charlotte: Following you.

Me: Why?

Charlotte: Because I am the queen, and you have to respect my orders.

(November 19, 2016)

Preschool

Charlotte: Tomorrow is precipitation. 

Me: Oh yeah? And what does that mean?

Charlotte: It means the rain coming down. 

Me:  Very good. 

Charlotte: *after a pause* Why did you send me to preschool if you didn't go? *referencing a previous conversation*

Me: *deciding that "because it was free, and daycare is expensive" is not a good answer* Because I want you to have more education than I did. 

Charlotte: So you don't know about the water cycle?!

(October 25, 2016)

Cops

Butch and me: *reacting to an idiot who nearly caused an accident at one of Joplin's many roundabouts *

Molly: What? What happened?

Me: People just don't know how to do roundabouts.

Butch: *at the same time* A car just pulled out in front of another one.

Charlotte: *in a tiny, ominous voice* Cops gon' get them.

(October 14, 2016)

So Sweet

Me:  *doing bedtime snuggles with Charlotte* Can I have a kiss?

Charlotte:  *gives me a kiss, then looks into my eyes*

Me:  Do you know that I love you so much?

Charlotte:  *still staring in my eyes* Hey, it looks like the nightlight is green in your glasses. 

(September 8, 2016)

She's Bad

Molly: *asks for something that she's already had turned down multiple times*

Me: No. 

Molly: *starts throwing mild tantrum and stalks out of the room*

Charlotte: *looks at me* She's bad. 

(September 4, 2016)

And Roses

Me:  How was your day?

Charlotte:  Sunshine and roses!

(August 26, 2016)

Mashup

Molly: *discussing various photos of mixed-breed puppies she found on Pinterest* That's definitely the cutest mashup. 

(August 26, 2016)

Just So Cute

Charlotte: *after I changed into pjs for the night* You just look so cute and chubby in your jammies, Mommy. 

(August 24, 2016)

Awesome

Charlotte:  I had PE today!

Me:  Fun!  Do you know your PE teacher's name yet?

Charlotte:  Coach. 

Me:  Ok, right. Do you his last name? Coach what? 

Charlotte:  Hmmmm . . . oh yeah. Coach Awesome!

(August 22, 2016)

Preferences

Butch: *starting to hand Charlotte her shirt to put on*

Charlotte:  I prefer to put on pants first. 

(August 15, 2016)

Get Ready

Molly and Charlotte: *in the back seat of the car, playing with a game in the iPad *

Molly: Charlotte, get ready to hear this enormous fart. 

Butch: *cracks up in proud laughter*

(August 7, 2016)

Dealing

Me:  Listen, sometimes you go stupid.  Like when you said 16 oz was a cup.

Butch:  I'm gonna punch you.

Molly:  *pointing her finger at Butch in reprimand*

Butch:  She called me stupid!

Me:  *cracking up*

Molly:  *stomping out of the room*

Me:  I'm not laughing at you, baby.

Molly:  *turning around*  No, I'm just walking out because I don't want to deal with this.

(July 30, 2016)

Boo-kee Boo-kee Boo-kee

Charlotte and Molly: *watching a recording of the parent preview performances*

Charlotte: Where's Daddy? Where Daddy? Where's Daddy?

Molly:  He's right there!  Going boo-kee boo-kee boo-kee!

(July 29, 2016)

Can't Hold It

Charlotte:  *whining while we wait for Butch to finish his shower* Momma, I'm hungry, and I can't hold my hungry!

(July 27, 2016)

Under Cover

Charlotte:  I hear something!

Me:  It's thunder. 

Charlotte:  *gasping and running out of the room* It's a storm! Take under cover!

Physics

Molly:  *gets up to move the armchair that has gotten pushed too far back*

Charlotte:  *hops into the chair*

Me:  No, Charlotte.  You can't sit in the chair while she moves it.

Charlotte:  *whining as she gets out of the chair*  But I'm not heavy!

Me:  You're right, but you still make the chair heavier when you sit in it.

Charlotte:  No, I don't.

Me:  Yes, you do.  It's called physics.

Charlotte:  I. Don't. Have. Physics!

(July 19, 2016)

Amazon Echo

Butch:  *unpacking the package UPS just delivered*

Charlotte:  What is that?

Butch:  It's an Amazon Echo.

Molly:  Yes!

Charlotte:  *shouting at the machine* Hello!  Hello! *perplexed look*  I wonder why it's not echoing.

(July 15, 2016)

Dreams

Molly: *teaching Charlotte how to play Lego Star Wars: The Force Awakens, chooses BB-8 for her character* Now your dream can come true like mine did. 

(July 12, 2016)

Boss

Me:  More eating, less talking. 

Charlotte:  Okay, boss. 

(July 7, 2016)

Pogo Stick

Charlotte: Mommy, when I'm a teenager, can I try a pogo stick?

(July 1, 2016)

Poop

Me:  Baby, why do you keep holding your poop?  You know it just makes you feel bad.

Charlotte:  I don't want to poop because brown is not my favorite color.  *pause*  I wish I was a unicorn.

(June 27, 2016)

She's Good

Butch:  *struggling to get Siri to understand him*

Charlotte:  Let Momma do it. She's good at stuff. 

(June 22, 2016)

Position

Charlotte: *rolling around her bed instead of sleeping*

Me: Charlotte, be still. 

Charlotte: *with perfect five-year-old indignation* I have to get into my position of sleeping!

(June 15, 2016)

Plans

Me: How about we go to Magic Noodle for lunch?

Charlotte: Yes!

Me:  Ok, let's do it then. 

Charlotte:  Why'd you say it like that?

Me:  Well, I wasn't planning to go there for lunch, but it sounds really good. 

Charlotte:  Oh. Well I was planning to go there. 

(June 6, 2016)

Awesome

Charlotte: *playing with my hair, tiptoeing around the edge of the bed to get to the other side* I will be veeeerrrry . . . 

Me: *mentally filling in "careful" while she pauses*

Charlotte: . . . awesome on this ledge. 

(June 5, 2016)

Stretch

Molly:  Sometimes I need to stretch because I feel like rubber. 

(June 5, 2016)

A Little Bit

Charlotte:  Mommy

Me:  Yes?

Charlotte:  I changed the "yes" and the "no" a little bit. Because my "no" means "yes," and my "yes" means "no."

(June 2, 2016)

Pedicures

Butch:  You need to take a shower today.

Me:  *gasps*  Are we getting pedicures and crab legs today?!

Butch:  Yes.

Charlotte:  Me!  I want some!

Me:  Aw, not today, baby.

Butch:  We'll probably take you before the wedding.

Me:  Yes.  We will definitely take you before the wedding.

Charlotte:  *running out of the room*  Yes!  Aunt Erica's wedding is today!

(May 24, 2016)

Cutting

Me:  Yikes, your toenails need to be cut.

Charlotte:  *holding up her hand* What about my fingernails?

Me:  Lord yes.  I've known they needed some cutting, but I didn't realize your toes were so bad.

Charlotte:  *points to my legs*  Your hairs need some cutting!

(May 24, 2016)

Monday

Charlotte: What day is it?

Me: Monday. 

Charlotte: *smacking her hand to her forehead* Ugh! Monday! Why do we always have to skip Sunday?

Me: Yesterday was Sunday. 

Charlotte: *hand to forehead again* Ugh!

(May 23, 2016)

So, Like . . .

Molly:  Have I eaten half my burger yet?

Me:  Ummmm . . . three more bites and you'll have it. 

Molly:  So, like, one more bite?

(May 19, 2016)

Let's Not Worry about That

Charlotte:  *while moving a chair back to its correct spot in the resource room* How did this chair get over there?

Me:  Hmmm.  I don't know.  Maybe it walked over there?

Charlotte:  Nooooo.  *giggling*  Chairs don't walk!

April:  Are you sure?  They have legs.

Charlotte:  No!  *more giggles*

Me:  No?  Well, what do you think?

Charlotte:  *shrugs*

Me:  Think about it.  How do you think it got over there?

Charlotte:  Let's not worry about that.  Let's just go.

(May 17, 2016)

Too Much

Charlotte: *babbling and messing with her blankets at bedtime*

Me: Just go to sleep. 

Charlotte:  I'm sorry, Momma. There's just too much to love. 

(May 12, 2016)

I Feel You

Me: *talking about the stomach ache Charlotte had the night before* But she wouldn't let me put any oil on it to try to help. 

Butch:  I feel you, kid. 

Charlotte:  How do you feel me without touching me?

(April 27, 2016)

Money

Charlotte:  *digging around the console in my car, finds pennies* Money! I need this money!

Me:  Why are you going crazy over money?

Charlotte:  Because money is lucky. *gathering up the pennies* I'm gonna be so lucky. Like Daddy. Because he has so much money.

Me:  Oh yeah?

Charlotte:  Yeah. He almost has 100 moneys. 

(April 19, 2016)

Too Much Golf

Butch:  *struggling to sit down in his car*

Molly:  What's wrong? Your back?

Butch:  Yes. 

Molly:  *with sincere concern* Maybe you shouldn't just sit around and watch golf all the time. 

(April 11, 2016)

Can't Resist

Charlotte:  *holding her hand on my face*

Me:  Stop that please. 

Charlotte:  *putting her other hand on my face* I can't. I just can't resist your big, smushy cheeks. 

(April, 7, 2016) 

Jumping

Charlotte:  Let me see you jump. Can you even jump, Momma?

(April 7, 2016)

Sometimes I'll Have to Be Gone

Charlotte:  *walks up to stand beside my chair*  Momma?

Me:  Yes, baby?

Charlotte:  Sometimes, I'll have to be gone for a while.  Because I have to go poop.  Like right now.  *goes upstairs*

(April 6, 2016)

Ted Cruz

Molly:  So why do you not like Ted Cruz? Did he say something you didn't like?  Or is it because he's a vampire?

(April 4, 2016)

Appreciation

Molly:  *cuddling up to me suddenly*  Thanks for giving birth to my sister.

(March 27, 2016)

Weird

Molly:  *in the back seat* Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow. 

Butch:  *pausing the podcast we're listening to* Molly, what are you doing?

Molly:  Playing with my ocelot. *pause* And there's a party. 

Butch:  Oh, ok. There's a party. *unpausing the podcast* Very well. Carry on. 

Molly:  *muttering to herself* Weird. 

(March 25, 2016)

Literally

Butch: *parks the car in our driveway* 

Charlotte: *pipes up from the back seat* I literally forgot to buckle my bottom buckle!

(March 24, 2016)

Dark Maul

Charlotte:  *running to climb in my lap while her sister chases her* Save me!  Dark Maul's coming!

(March 19, 2016)

Fireball

Charlotte:  Hey, Daddy!  *singing* Da, da da da da da. Da, da da da. Woo!  Fireball!

Butch:  Yup, baby. "Fireball."

Molly:  What's "Fireball?"

Charlotte:  It's a song that I hear in Mrs. Jones' car. 

(March 19, 2016)

Pumpkin Eater

Molly:  *playing with Charlotte, making her Barbie talk*  You're a cheater!  *singing*  Cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater!  *serious voice*  You. Eat. Pumpkin.

(March 15, 2016)

Work

Molly:  *noticing that I'm watching a show on my laptop* Are you watching a movie?

Me:  Actually, I'm watching a tv show. 

Molly:  *in the same time I use to ask about her homework when she's playing on the iPad* Did you finish all your work?

(March 14, 2016)

Okay, Nikki

Me:  Go get ready for bed, Charlotte. 

Charlotte:  I'm not Charlotte. I'm Molly. 

Me:  I don't care who you are, just go get ready for bed. 

Charlotte:  *running out of the room* Okay, NIKKI!

(March 10, 2016)

Breath Smells

Charlotte:  *after getting right up in my face about five minutes after I finished dinner* Your breath smells like the inside of a turkey!

(March 5, 2016)

Speaking Chinese

Me:  Molly, what is going on up there?

Molly:  She's making me mad because she keeps talking and it makes me mess up what I'm doing!

Me:  Molly Grace.

Molly:  *louder*  She's making me mad because she keeps talking and it makes me mess up what I'm doing!!!

Me:  Molly Gra--

Molly:  *even louder, in an exasperated tone*  She's making me mad because she keeps talking and it makes me mess up what I'm doing!!!!!

Me:  Molly G--

Molly:  Mom!  I SAID, she's making me mad because she keeps talking and it makes me mess up what I'm doing!  Do you not understand?!  Am I speaking Chinese?!

(March 3, 2016)

Fancy

Butch:  *to Molly* I'll pack water for your lunch, and you can take juice for Cardinal Kids Day.

Molly:  Yeah. Juice is more of a fancy drink. Water's more of a lunch drink.

(February 19, 2016)

Advice

Molly:  *as I strain the pasta I just finished boiling* You know, Mom, you're gonna have to learn how to cook. In case Dad gets sick. 

(February 19, 2016)

Mommy, According to Charlotte (Age 4)

1.What is something I say to you? I love you. 

2. What makes me happy? When I do right choices. 

3. What makes me sad? When I don't do right choices. 

4. How do I make you laugh? Tickle me. 

5. How old am I? 40

6. What is my favorite thing to do? Read books. 

7. What do I do when you're not around? Work. 

8. What am I good at? Tests. 

9. What am I not very good at? Cooking dinner. 

10. What do I do at my job? Work and help kids. 

11. What is my favorite food? Pasta and pizza. 

12. What do you enjoy doing with me? Going to bounce houses. 

(February 11, 2016)

Flavors

Kaitlyn: Does your thumb taste good?

Charlotte:  Mm-hm. 

Kaitlyn:  What's it taste like?

Charlotte:  Watermelon. *holds up the other thumb* And this one tastes like orange. 

(February 7, 2016)

Little Feminist, Part 2

Molly:  David was kind of mean today in class. Because he said, "Boys rule!" But I was like, "No.  Boys and girls are EQUAL."

(February 2, 2016)

Simple Pleasures

Charlotte:  *farts as she climbs into my lap for bedtime snuggles*

Me:  Ew.  Child, could you please stop farting?

Charlotte:  But I like farting!

(January 30, 2016)

Cause of Death

Molly and Charlotte: *playing Minecraft, pretending their characters are talking to each other*

Molly:  What happened to him?

Charlotte: He died. 

Molly: How did he die? Did he die by being killed?

(January 30, 2016)

Little Feminist

Molly:  *drawing with Makayla, her babysitter* Draw some things that would make you happy as a kitty. 

Makayla:  Hmmmm . . . how about a boy kitty?

Molly:  No! You don't need a boy kitty to make you happy!

(January 27, 2016)

Tampons

Butch and Molly:  *in the feminine hygiene aisle at Walmart to get tampons for me* 

Molly:  Why do you have to get those things for Mommy?

Butch:  Well, when girls get older, things happen in their bodies that cause them to need these things. 

Molly:  So, like, me and Charlotte when we get older, and Mommy, but not you?

Butch:  Right. 

Molly:  *pauses to think a moment* So, when I'm a grownup, my husband will buy them for me. *carries on down the aisles with that matter settled*

(January 26, 2016)

Restaurant Critic

Charlotte:  *sees that I'm eating Chick-Fil-A waffle fries, starts to get miffed, then reconsiders* We had McDonald's. McDonald's is better than Chick-Fil-A. 

Me:  *raises an eyebrow dubiously*

Charlotte:  Uh-huh. It is. *pauses* But Red Robin is better than all the restaurants . . . that aren't frozen yogurt. . . or Mexican. 

(January 25, 2016)

Taste Buds

Molly:  The queso is tasting sweeter. It's not as spicy. 

Me:  Well, you're probably just getting used to it. 

Molly:  Oh, right. I think my taste buds are changing. 

Charlotte:  *gasps* Not the tasty buds!

(January 23, 2016)

Called Out

Me:  Why?

Charlotte:  Because. 

Me:  But why?

Charlotte:  Because!

Me:  That is not a reason. 

Charlotte:  But you say that when I ask the questions. 

(January 21, 2016)

Sing to the Hand

Me:  *singing "Death of a Bachelor" because it's stuck in my head*

Charlotte:  *walks over and looks deep into my eyes as she places her hand over my mouth*

(January 20, 2016)

What If

Me:  *following Charlotte up the stairs* Now, we need to be quiet when we go in your room because Molly is asleep.

Charlotte:  *stopping and turning around to whisper* What if we have to sneeze or cough?

(January 19, 2016)

The Kids!

Butch:  *cooking*

Molly and Charlotte:  *suddenly bombarding the kitchen with noise and movement*

Butch:  *getting frustrated by all the noise and little people running around him while he's trying to chop things*

Me:  Calm down, honey.

Butch:  Sorry.  I'm just being driven crazy right now for some reason.

Charlotte:  The kids!  It's the kids!

(January 17, 2016)

Food Review

Molly:  *responding to the bite of corn dog she was asked to try* I like the bread . . . but there's a hot dog. 

(January 15, 2016)

Wedgie

Charlotte:  *abruptly standing up off my lap and pulling at her pants* My hoo-hoo has a wedgie!

(January 7, 2016)

The King

Molly:  *telling us about the a video on Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. she watched in class, with most of her focus on explaining why he was a "junior"*

Me:  And do you remember why he's important?

Charlotte:  Because he's the king!

(January 5, 2016)

Let's Go Ahead

Me:  *holding Charlotte in the rocker at bedtime*

Molly:  *throwing a ridiculous fit in the top bunk*

Me:  One. If you keep throwing that fit and I get to three, you'll get no computer time tomorrow. You have the choice to stop now and keep your computer time. 

Molly:  *continuing the fit*

Me:  Two. If you don't stop throwing a fit, you're choosing to not have computer time tomorrow. 

Molly:  *continuing the fit, but quieter*

Me:  I've already said "two." If you don't stop now, you're making the choice to have no computer time tomorrow.

Charlotte:  *whispering to me* Let's go ahead and say "three."

(January 3, 2016)